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Relationships, Sexuality and Honesty - The Desian Universe
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deskitty
deskitty
Des
Thu, Dec. 11th, 2003 01:50 am
Relationships, Sexuality and Honesty

I have a sore throat, and my head is stuffed up. I am officially sick.

But that's probably not going to stop me from going out tomorrow and enjoying myself. ;)

>>>

It's 100% humidity, misting and clouded over. Yet the sprinklers are on. How ... pointless.

>>>

[There is some rather personal stuff in here. But, I feel that it's something that I should throw out there in the hope that someone besides me finds it useful. I think that is more important than my own sense of discomfort or my own desire for privacy.]

Had a semi-long, semi-deep and very helpful conversation with Q tonight. It was about inter-personal stuff, and freeway accidents, and music, and $DEITY-knows-what. It's one of the few convos I've saved off someplace safe as an important one to remember.

I just wish I'd brought it up sooner.

I told him that I'm worried about my ability to have a relationship. I'm worried because it's been well over a year, and significant parts of me are still rabidly anti-social. If I don't get my 5-6 hours a day of alone time, I'm a bitch and an asshole, simple as that.

More importantly, however, the part of me that isn't anti-social; the part that wants to go out and meet and connect with people, and find someone to cuddle with and watch movies on a rainy night -- that part is getting sulky and unhappy. And that isn't good either. And frankly, I'm getting sick of being alone.

I think I'm anti-social for a lot of reasons ... largely it's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of others not caring; I'm afraid of them hurting me. I'm afraid of hurting them. And paradoxically enough, I'm afraid that this fear will prevent me from finding someone and I'll end up being "alone" (well, I won't have an SO ... I know I have some great friends) for a significant portion of my life.

But this gets even more weird and complex.

See, as I'm sure many of you who know me have figured out by now, I'm bi-curious, proba-possibly fully bi. But I'm also not really comfortable with that, nor am I really sure that I am in fact bi, and not just making this whole damn thing up in my head (which is something I've been known to do before). And the big scenario that keeps playing out in my head is ... I find someone, say another guy, and we get into a relationship, and then I discover that hey, I'm not really bi after all. That would be embarrassing and humiliating, but worse than that, it would hurt the other person.

I know I personally am fairly resilient, but ... I just couldn't stand hurting another person like that, male or female. Especially one that I am supposed to / do care about.

>>>

The other thing that Q mentioned was honesty. Really, honesty is such a hard thing to do in a relationship... you're so afraid of hurting the other person's feelings that you don't come out and say things that you should. Even from a really young age we learn that little "white lies" are acceptable; because they make others think more highly of us. When you're emotionally close with someone, this will kill the relationship.

Think about it. Could not telling your husband you lost his scarf be a white lie? What about sleeping with another woman, then waiting to tell your wife until after the woman is pregnant?

There are all hard things to deal with. But they get much, much harder when you leave out bits of the story.

>>>

I'm OK on my own. I told myself after my last relationship that I need to be able to take care of myself emotionally before I can go off and look for someone else. I still have plenty to learn in this area, but maybe I'm ready to give it another try.

-- Des

 01:50:17 up 8 days,  4:14,  2 users,  load average: 0.00, 0.00, 0.00

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

7CommentReplyShare

teskomayaku
http://minty.isurf.ca
Thu, Dec. 11th, 2003 05:20 am (UTC)

fuck dude, you should have got fajitas!


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happy_christian
happy_christian
Stephanie
Thu, Dec. 11th, 2003 06:03 pm (UTC)

Shut up, Tes!


ReplyThread Parent
robsnonjournal
Rob
Thu, Dec. 11th, 2003 07:23 pm (UTC)
Useless advice, feel free to ignore it.

Damn, and I thought I over thought things... ;)

99.999% of all relationships do not work out. Simple fact. If you are lucky you will find that one relationship that will last a lifetime. But if you paralyze yourself with the notion that you can not bear to have a relationship that could fail you will never have any relationships at all and thus never have a chance of finding the one that will last.

As for the bi-confused stuff, there is one of those Q laws about gay/bi boys... its all about sex. Go have a drunken one nighter, you don't have to worry about hurting anyone and you get to collect some empirical data about whether or not your possible bi-ness is real or not.


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deskitty
deskitty
Des
Fri, Dec. 12th, 2003 02:53 pm (UTC)
Re: Useless advice, feel free to ignore it.

You're right, of course. Most of 'em don't work. (Hell, just look at the divorce rate.) And that's OK.

I'm not so worried about failing. I'm worried about hurting myself and others in the process of failing. I'm perfectly fine with calling it quits and continuing to be friends, if need be. But the whole bitterness, I'm-not-going-to-talk-to-you-anymore thing ... I hate that.

I've been thinking about it, but I don't think a one-night stand would work for me either. It's one of those "I'm letting someone get really close to me" things, and there has to be a foundation of trust before that can happen. Which means at the very least I get to find a close friend, and try not to second-guess myself too much.


ReplyThread Parent
robsnonjournal
Rob
Sun, Dec. 14th, 2003 09:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Useless advice, feel free to ignore it.

I can understand that, but it comes down to the same concept of never leaving your house for fear of getting hit by a car. You'll never get hurt if you never do anything, but you'll never do anything.


ReplyThread Parent
ironwrought
ironwrought
Rawn
Mon, Dec. 15th, 2003 05:28 am (UTC)

See, as I'm sure many of you who know me have figured out by now, I'm bi-curious, proba-possibly fully bi. But I'm also not really comfortable with that, nor am I really sure that I am in fact bi, and not just making this whole damn thing up in my head (which is something I've been known to do before). And the big scenario that keeps playing out in my head is ... I find someone, say another guy, and we get into a relationship, and then I discover that hey, I'm not really bi after all. That would be embarrassing and humiliating, but worse than that, it would hurt the other person.

I thought for a long time that maybe I'd just "conditioned myself" to be gay, and that it was all just a terrible mistake, and that I would will it all away just as I'd somehow brought it into existence. I tried, and the only thing I think I learned was I should've been an actor, and I'd excluded myself from life for too long.

I've got no business handing out advice about this, but it probably wouldn't be as humiliating as you think. Any guy you had a relationship with should understand well enough having to confront their own sexuality. You may conclude after such a confrontation that you prefer the company of women exclusively, but it's not a mark against your SO, just as none of my ex-girlfriends is responsible for the fact that I'm looking for a boyfriend these days.

In any case, you've been alone for too long. Time to get out there again. There's always going to be sad times, even if you deny yourself the happy times. So you might as well get your share of the happiness out there.


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deskitty
deskitty
Des
Tue, Dec. 16th, 2003 12:00 pm (UTC)

Any guy you had a relationship with should understand well enough having to confront their own sexuality.

You do have a point. I hadn't thought of that before, oddly enough. Perhaps because I tend to assume that everyone is as well-adjusted as I'd like to be. ;)

In any case, you've been alone for too long. Time to get out there again. There's always going to be sad times, even if you deny yourself the happy times. So you might as well get your share of the happiness out there.

You're not the first person that's said this, and you're probably right. Sad times are just the "cost" of having happy times. Who knows; I don't exactly go out there and look for people to have a relationship with. Usually I just make friends and see where that goes.


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