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Timeliness - The Desian Universe
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deskitty
deskitty
Des
Sun, May. 8th, 2005 12:32 am
Timeliness

ensuing's post in howell_jenkins reminded me ... I've had this sitting on my disk for probably a week or two now, and haven't posted it yet. It's more of a scene than an actual story, but I like it. ensuing helped with the editing, but I still think it could use some cleanup and tweaking. Comments are--as always--appreciated.

>>>


Jeff lay in the reclined front seat of his Jeep, dozing. The afternoon sun streamed in through the open driver-side window, coating the interior of the car with the hot yellow glow of summer. His clothes had just gone into the dryer, leaving a good 40 minutes for a catnap.

A breeze drifted through the Jeep's open windows, aimlessly teasing his hair until it was tickling his cheek. Jeff noticed this and smiled, thinking of how much it reminded him of his last lover's touch.

He shifted slightly, listening with half an ear to the sounds of passers-by as they carried their laundry to and from their cars. The mothers were scolding their children in strident, pitched voices while the fathers told jokes and spoke of the season's grape harvest. The washing machines and dryers faintly whirred from inside the laundromat.

There was a soft click, then Jeff felt something cold, metal and round pressed to his temple. He opened his eyes.

"Is it time?"

He'd never figured on snuffing it here, in the parking lot of a laundromat, not when there was so much work left to be done in this world. But he knew that such a thing was at best arbitrary, left up to the fickle whims of Brahman.

"It is." The deep, male voice came from behind him, doubtless standing right outside the car.

Jeff sighed, briefly reflecting on his own life. There had been a time, not so long ago, when he would have fought -- fought for his right to live, fought for the chance to complete his life's work, fought to hold on for the ones he loved. He smiled and closed his eyes; that time was over.

He waited.


-- Des

8CommentReplyShare

happy_christian
happy_christian
Stephanie
Sun, May. 8th, 2005 03:39 pm (UTC)

Fits my mood.. excellent.


ReplyThread
deskitty
deskitty
Des
Mon, May. 9th, 2005 07:31 am (UTC)

Glad you liked it. :)


ReplyThread Parent
queueball
queueball
Q
Sun, May. 8th, 2005 03:39 pm (UTC)

There are intelligent things I could say, and probably would, reading this at another time. Right now, all I can say is "familiar," which is to say I think it could be part of something good.

Do me a favor, though, and avoid soft round metal clicks. =)

*huggles*


ReplyThread
deskitty
deskitty
Des
Mon, May. 9th, 2005 07:45 am (UTC)

Yeah. The idea's been floating in my head for a month or so, and I finally got around to writing it a week or two ago.

Do me a favor, though, and avoid soft round metal clicks. =)

I shall certainly try. :)

::hugs::


ReplyThread Parent
elvendude
elvendude
The Elf
Sun, May. 8th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)

Interesting. How very...existential.


ReplyThread
deskitty
deskitty
Des
Mon, May. 9th, 2005 07:46 am (UTC)

Indeed ...

It came about as a daydream while doing laundry one day ... I was thinking about acceptance, and I wondered what it would be like to be accepting of my own death.


ReplyThread Parent
zaharadawn
zaharadawn
zahara
Mon, May. 9th, 2005 02:36 am (UTC)

So you wrote that (minus some editing tips)?
That's really good Des!
Great imagery! I'm definitely not an expert on writing/English but I do know what I like and I know that I liked it!

Although I did notice you use the word "snuffing" vs. "being snuffed" which makes me wonder if this is someone he knew or had "hired" to snuff him. I wouldn't change it because it makes one think, just curious!


ReplyThread
deskitty
deskitty
Des
Mon, May. 9th, 2005 07:53 am (UTC)

I'm glad you liked it. :)

I don't think, if given the choice, Jeff would choose to die. But he accepts his death when it comes.

This was a thought experiment for me ... I was thinking (whilst doing laundry, of course) about acceptance (in the Buddhist sense of the word), and trying to take the concept as far as I could go with it. What would it be like to accept my own death? Then I started daydreaming ... ;)


ReplyThread Parent