contemplativeBut that's probably not going to stop me from going out tomorrow and enjoying myself. ;)
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It's 100% humidity, misting and clouded over. Yet the sprinklers are on. How ... pointless.
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[There is some rather personal stuff in here. But, I feel that it's something that I should throw out there in the hope that someone besides me finds it useful. I think that is more important than my own sense of discomfort or my own desire for privacy.]
Had a semi-long, semi-deep and very helpful conversation with Q tonight. It was about inter-personal stuff, and freeway accidents, and music, and $DEITY-knows-what. It's one of the few convos I've saved off someplace safe as an important one to remember.
I just wish I'd brought it up sooner.
I told him that I'm worried about my ability to have a relationship. I'm worried because it's been well over a year, and significant parts of me are still rabidly anti-social. If I don't get my 5-6 hours a day of alone time, I'm a bitch and an asshole, simple as that.
More importantly, however, the part of me that isn't anti-social; the part that wants to go out and meet and connect with people, and find someone to cuddle with and watch movies on a rainy night -- that part is getting sulky and unhappy. And that isn't good either. And frankly, I'm getting sick of being alone.
I think I'm anti-social for a lot of reasons ... largely it's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of others not caring; I'm afraid of them hurting me. I'm afraid of hurting them. And paradoxically enough, I'm afraid that this fear will prevent me from finding someone and I'll end up being "alone" (well, I won't have an SO ... I know I have some great friends) for a significant portion of my life.
But this gets even more weird and complex.
See, as I'm sure many of you who know me have figured out by now, I'm bi-curious, proba-possibly fully bi. But I'm also not really comfortable with that, nor am I really sure that I am in fact bi, and not just making this whole damn thing up in my head (which is something I've been known to do before). And the big scenario that keeps playing out in my head is ... I find someone, say another guy, and we get into a relationship, and then I discover that hey, I'm not really bi after all. That would be embarrassing and humiliating, but worse than that, it would hurt the other person.
I know I personally am fairly resilient, but ... I just couldn't stand hurting another person like that, male or female. Especially one that I am supposed to / do care about.
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The other thing that Q mentioned was honesty. Really, honesty is such a hard thing to do in a relationship... you're so afraid of hurting the other person's feelings that you don't come out and say things that you should. Even from a really young age we learn that little "white lies" are acceptable; because they make others think more highly of us. When you're emotionally close with someone, this will kill the relationship.
Think about it. Could not telling your husband you lost his scarf be a white lie? What about sleeping with another woman, then waiting to tell your wife until after the woman is pregnant?
There are all hard things to deal with. But they get much, much harder when you leave out bits of the story.
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I'm OK on my own. I told myself after my last relationship that I need to be able to take care of myself emotionally before I can go off and look for someone else. I still have plenty to learn in this area, but maybe I'm ready to give it another try.
-- Des
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