Des (deskitty) wrote,

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Death, School, Apathy

Yeesh ... I've forgotten this thing existed for the past week or so. :p But then, last week was the Week from Hell(tm).

>>> Death

Found out on Thursday from my parents that Oberon (the kitty in my icon) has a serious heart condition. This means he has somewhere between a few weeks and a few months left to live. (He's maybe 3 or 4 years old right now.)


He was mostly my cat, until I left for college (probably because I was the only one in the family who saw him as something more than a runt ... everyone else seemed to think he was of comparatively limited intelligence). Then I think he got depressed and started missing me for a while, and I haven't really forgiven myself for that. So it's a little hard for me to let him go, because I still feel like he wasn't OK with that, and I wasn't OK with it either. But what can you do? I'm not about to not go to college for a cat, or even another person. :p

I just hope that when it's his time, he passes quietly and easily. In some ways I even envy him, because he doesn't know; he doesn't have his mortality hanging over his head. (Cats don't think about the future, though they do remember the past.) He truly lives in the Now, which is something most humans can only vaguely aspire to. Death will be much easier on him than it will be on the rest of us.

But there are ... "techniques" people can use too. (I hesitate to call them that, because the word "technique" sounds almost trivial and silly.) Every time I see someone, I remind myself that this may well be the last time I will ever see them. If I do this, I find that I'm much more conscious and careful with that person, and I'm less likely to leave feeling that I have "unfinished business" with them.

I've noticed an interesting thing about death; when someone dies, it's easier on those among the bereaved who have no "unfinished business" with the deceased. I've only lost two (close) relatives. The second, my grandpa on my mom's side, was easier. He was easier because before he went into surgery, I told him everything I needed to tell him. And then when he didn't come out of it, that was OK. (It was still sad, of course, but I could accept it.) It was time for him to go, and we had no more unfinished business.

I wish I could say the same about my parents, or about Oberon.

>>> School

Compilers has been an absolute bitch. I'm really enjoying the class, but it's making me (literally) rip my hair out. Now that I've got the hang of it, it's easier, but compilers are still very intricate and complex constructions.

Intricacy and complexity (but not needless complexity) are cool. Now that I have the core bits working, I can sift through and just watch all the many little pieces interact and operate together in interesting ways, and marvel at the elegance of it all. I can feed it some really weird case (like a while loop within a couple if blocks within another nested while loop or three) and watch as it munches on that and spits out relatively clean assembler. Ooooh, it makes me wet. ;P

English is being stupid, as usual. We're (supposedly) reading Heart of Darkness, which I read last quarter (and didn't get much new/useful out of it, either). I think the teacher is off-base with his analysis of HoD, but I also know that if I just parrot back what he says on my papers, I get better grades. So you can guess how much original thought is actually taking place in this class. :p

I've purposefully not been taking notes on HoD though, because I've decided I'm going to write my essay based on my own thoughts, and then argue it with him later. But this means I actually need to reread it before class on Thurs. ::sigh::

>>> Apathy

The flip side of that is, of course, getting the energy/will to work on it in the first place (instead of wasting time browsing the web or posting to LJ). I've been a major victim of apathy the past couple weeks, and I've only just begun to fight it this week. My apartment was trashed, I haven't been doing my meditations (I think it's been a week since I last meditated :-/), and I just haven't been nearly as productive as I could/should be.

I wish I understood what caused these bouts of apathy, because they're a major problem for me (probably even more of a problem than my ego :p). Or I wish I could at least get them fixed.

But apathy is definitely a "thing" for me. It's not just "the absence of desire to do anything", it's a tangible thing that's more like "I want to do this, but I just don't feel like it for whatever reason. so I think I'll go surf the web". It's an aversion to doing anything productive (where "productive" is defined as one of {school, meditation, cleaning, coding for an active project, sleeping, going to club meetings, going out with friends, etc.}).

I don't understand it. And as the Oracle says, "you can't see past a choice you don't understand".

-- Des

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    Well, I'm off to Dreamwidth. I hope to see you all there! Nice knowing you, LJ. It's been grand. — Des

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