Des (deskitty) wrote,

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Wondering about my monkey-mind

What is it about physics labs that I hate so much? I find them horribly tedious and uninteresting, and they take me forever. But the reason they take me forever is because I'm fighting a constant running battle with my inner 2-year-old, who doesn't seem to get the concept that (a) going into denial won't make the physics lab go away, it has to get written sometime, and (b) if I just fucking sit down and do it, it would be over with relatively quickly.

But the 2-year-old persists in denial; he persists in kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum until he gets his way. "NO! I don't wanna sit here and work on this! I wanna go hiking! I wanna play with the computer! I wanna call my friends! NOW!"

In the past, I've usually been able to wait until the 2-year-old gets relatively quiet, and then work on the lab. But that hasn't been working for the last few weeks. The 2-year-old keeps up a running mantra of "Oh, I'm tired. Well, maybe if I just go outside for a little bit, I'll be more awake. ... Well, maybe if I just go for a walk, I'll feel better. ... Well, maybe if I just go to the beach for the afternoon, I'll be rested and I can work on it later. ... Well, maybe if I just keep putting it off, it will go away."


If only my monkey-mind would realize that it's expending a lot more energy by trying to go into denial, than it would be by sitting quietly, doing the lab and moving on to other things. It's making itself tired; that has nothing to do with the physics lab.

Why does this have to be a fight? How do I get past this point of monkey-denial, stop wasting energy on it, and just do the lab (which I chose to do anyway, since I'm in college -- summer school, no less)?


While I'm on the subject of monkey-mind, a couple Mormon missionaries came by while I was on the phone with northing. Talking to my friend is more important to me than getting preached at by someone I've never met before, so I sent them away politely in fairly short order.

The thing is, I've noticed that anyone who tries to convert me to their pet religion triggers my fight-or-flight reflex (which is to say, adrenaline). It didn't create any suffering for me -- I've gotten very good at remaining mindful, compassionate and rational while adrenalized.

But still ... what do I find so threatening about someone trying to convince me of the correctness of their ideology? That seems a little odd to me.

-- Des

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