Des (deskitty) wrote,

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I need to do a better job of picking subjects, so I can find these posts later.

I've been repeatedly kicking myself over the past couple of weeks for not moving into the Institute back in October.

I decided at the time (and I still think this decision is the right one) that it would be too logistically-challenging to make a move that would pretty dramatically change my environment in the middle of the school year. Plus, I wouldn't even be living there for a full year, because I'd be graduating and moving on.

But I've been feeling the compulsive need to be around people a lot lately. It's just that ... I don't know, humans are fallible, and the petty failings of people here seem to annoy me. I recognize this as a petty failing in itself. No human is perfect.

But I find it slightly alarming that lately (say, since the beginning of the year), I always seem to be depressive when I'm alone. I suspect I'm also depressive when I'm around others, but I reflexively hide it because I'm doing something else that brings me some form of enjoyment (superficial or otherwise).

Why is that? Or at least, what can I do to restore my equilibrium?


So I picked up "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh at B&N yesterday ... and everything I've read so far resonates. But I have a lot of trouble putting it into practice, and remembering to be mindful. Reading seems to have become a transient activity for me -- I read, then I promptly forget. It doesn't stick unless I remember to practice it, and I can't ever seem to do that.

Whenever we thought about a project that seemed attractive or inspiring, Jim became so immersed in it that he literally forgot about what he was doing in the present. He popped a section of tangerine in his mouth and, before he had begun chewing it, had another slice ready to pop into his mouth again. He was hardly aware he was eating a tangerine. All I had to say was, "You ought to eat the tangerine section you've already taken." Jim was startled into realizing what he was doing.

It was as if he hadn't been eating the tangerine at all. If he had been eating anything, he was "eating" his future plans.

A tangerine has sections. If you can eat just one section, you can probably eat the entire tangerine. But if you can't eat a single section, you cannot eat the tangerine. Jim understood. He slowly put his hand down and focused on the presence of the slice in his mouth. He chewed it thoughtfully before reaching down and taking another section.


I'm sure I've said this many times before... but I think this boils down to the fact that I'm still learning how to take care of myself. I'm still learning how to love and accept myself, and how to be a complete person.

I've got the basics of survival covered, but survival isn't really enough, is it?

-- Des

  • (no subject)

    Well, I'm off to Dreamwidth. I hope to see you all there! Nice knowing you, LJ. It's been grand. — Des

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