I'm pretty much thinking at this point I'll have to drop GLBU. There are some good people in there, and I have the honor of counting a couple of them as my friends. But I just don't feel like I'm accomplishing or contributing much of anything. Most of what GLBU does is of a social nature, except not. I don't have any interest in things like Open House or Pride, because while they do increase the visibility of GLBT people, they're really events structured for GLBT people who are out. I keep feeling as though we're ignoring the not-insignificant minority who haven't come out yet, or are struggling to accept themselves.
But I don't really know what to do for them. I don't know how to reach out and offer them what they need to come to terms with themselves, and with the world around them. I think the GLBT community in general is doing a horrible job of this.
It seems as if there's a tendency among minority groups to look inward -- to focus on themselves to the exclusion of an outside world that views them negatively. This isn't really surprising. But at the same time, it only hurts them. If most individuals in that minority form their own exclusionary clique, those outside it will have many fewer opportunities to identify with and learn to show compassion for the minority.
Anyway, that's sort of a tangent, perhaps worthy of exploring in a different post. I think right now I'm just trying to justify to myself the preliminary decision to drop GLBU.
Sean was here (as in, here-here) for most of the weekend. That was fun, but still weird in so many ways. Sometimes I think of us as being together-together, but ... not. Like, he's been up here often enough that I catch myself while shopping in Food4Less going, "hmmm, I should call him and see if he wants X".
It's curious, this cycle of death and rebirth. Like, at any given point, it always seems that more relationships are dying than growing in my world. I know of a couple people who have lost or are close to losing SOs, but nobody who's really growing them. I guess Sean and I have a relationship of sorts, but ... ::shrug::
All relationships end sooner or later. If nothing else, death does them in. But people are constantly growing, and changing. So it's almost impossible for me to see how two people can stay in a relationship for very long (where "very long" is defined as something like 10-20 years). I can't see how people can commit to each other for life. If they do, won't the constraints force them to become stagnant?
I don't know. I see a lot of stagnance, even (especially?) in myself. And yes, you can grow together, as a couple, but both are still unique individuals. So, almost by definition, they will grow in different ways. The probability that they will remain compatible seems vanishingly small. (But what do I know? I haven't managed to keep friends more than 4 or 5 years.)
When I look at it from that perspective -- when I look at it with the idea that relationships are transitory things, prone to growing and dying at random, it makes a lot more sense. Plus, it conforms with my experience of reality -- all of the high school friends I've had are gone. A number of the college ones are too. But those have been replaced by new friendships, and I'm sure those too will fade, in time.
But you know... I think that's OK. At least for now, it's OK.
I have more thoughts, but my brain is getting drifty, so I think that's enough for now. More later this week, maybe.