Des (deskitty) wrote,

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Apathy Day

So. Today has been a day of apathy. I think all I managed to get done was the laundry.

Days like these are becoming fewer and further between. This is both a blessing and a curse... On the one hand, it's nice to be accomplishing things -- it's nice to be making headway on my senior project, getting graphics labs done, and generally keeping pace with what I'm "supposed" to be doing, whether that's school or taking care of myself.

It's a curse, however, because I find myself slipping more and more into stress-land, into the mentality of "OK, gotta finish this thing, then what's next?". When I'm not actively engaged in something school- or work-related, I'm always thinking about what I should be doing, what will need to be done, and not what I am doing.

As I told Q yesterday afternoon, I'm feeling more and more as though I'm becoming assimilated by the corporate collective -- I'm rapidly turning into a corporate coder monkey-drone. I don't like that feeling. It feels like I'm giving up the important bits of me -- the compassionate, grounded, funny, silly bits that make life worth living.

I think, at this point, if I had free time, I wouldn't know what to do with it. That feeling unsettles me, and my instinct tells me it's not-right.

I suppose the "solution", if there is one, is to stay grounded -- don't get swept away by work, or by school, or by the various aspects of my social life. Keep the balance. Remember to breathe.

It all comes down to that, doesn't it? I need to remember to breathe. That's a hard thing to do.

Nights like tonight help me to remember this. Nights like tonight provide an answer to the rationalization of "There will be time for it later.". My Graphics program is due Wednesday. There will always be time for goofing off/watching anime/reading/hiking/eating/breathing later.

Except there won't be.

"Do it later" is always a rationalization, an excuse. It can be used at any time, for anything, because you know what? There's always something else to do, and dammit, some things are more important, to me, if not anyone else.

The end result is that important things -- things that don't necessarily get you money, but important things nonetheless -- get put off indefinitely. I think, in order to maintain any reasonable standard of living, one has to be able to draw a line. School may come this far, no farther.

I've been getting progressively more lax about drawing that line. This is for a couple reasons. One, I'm very close to the financial deadline for graduating -- I can't afford to repeat any classes. Two, I want to be out of here, and done with school. (I've said plenty about that topic already.) As one might expect, I'm feeling the consequences of that decision. I hope in the end it's "worth it" (whatever that means).

It's funny, though ... I haven't the faintest idea where I want to go when I'm done here.

-- Des

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