Des (deskitty) wrote,
Des
deskitty

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Full-Time, day 2

Today marks my second day of full-time work. Even staying at my same place of employment, I'm starting to see a shift in perspective which is leaving me feeling groundless. The constants in my life are no longer constant -- everything is shifting around me, even if superficially it appears to stay the same.

Most of my day has been spent working, which is fine, because it gives me something not-horrible to do. My job is decent, but even there, in a company as small as ours, one has to deal with a certain amount of groundlessness on a daily basis. We are only four people, and we don't know from one quarter to the next whether we'll be able to afford payroll. We have to choose and define our projects as they progress -- and the way we shape our products will have consequences on how they sell, and who buys them.

That groundlessness has been hitting home a bit more, now that the financial safety net is gone.

But I like my work, and I like my working environment. When the entire company is four people, I can actually sit down and say "well, is this what we really want to do?". In a larger company, it's often just "Use The Spec(tm)".

So as far as work goes, I think I've done a pretty good job of making the transition from school life to working life.

>>>

Leaving work, though, I've noticed this week that I have a tendency to get a bit depressed in the evenings. Monday and Tuesday nights, I avoided it by going over to panth's, and then ensuing/jennmenchi's, but tonight I decided I should probably try to stay home and maybe get some stuff done around the apartment.

What I ended up doing, was spending some time sitting, and reading Buddhist literature.

Well... I didn't actually spend that much time doing either. I spent a lot more time thinking.

I thought about how I have no hobbies, and now that I have a life, I'm going to need some hobbies to go with it. The most obvious one that suggests itself is video games, except I suck at those. :p I don't really consider Anime a hobby, as such ... it certainly can be (and is for some people), but for me, it could probably only be considered a hobby if watching TV is also a hobby.

I also spent some time thinking about my social life. For a while, it's kinda seemed like I'm always the one reaching out -- I'm always the one who has to proactively talk to people if I ever want to see or do anything with them. If I don't, I'd never see or hear from most of the people I'm friends with.

That actually bugs me quite a bit. It seems pretty one-sided. Why should I always be the one to suggest doing something, or hanging out? Why do I always land in the awkward position of basically inviting myself over? [This is the point at which you slap me and say one of two things: (a) "Stop inviting yourself over, dumbass.", or (b) "Stop whining. There is no why. Dumbass."]

It would be nice if maybe sometimes, the others would reach out to me instead. Otherwise I'm left questioning how much value my friendship truly holds for them. I'm left wondering if maybe what I see as a valuable, worthwhile relationship is, in fact, only a nuisance to the other person.

Because seriously ... I don't want to be a nuisance, or annoying. If I am, please just tell me to fuck off already. But if you actually, honestly value your friendship with me, I'd like to know that. I'd like to know that I'm not wasting your energy and mine in pursuing something that isn't positive for both of us.

I'm not suggesting we sit down and perform a cost-benefit analysis. That's silly, and totally outside the spirit of friendship.

But please make sure I know where I stand with you. That's all I ask.

-- Des
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